INTERMITTENT IMPOSTER SYNDROME – ITS IN YOUR HEAD, NOT YOUR LEGS

When you are reading this, you may already know of some of my previous exploits and the fact I’m planning to go back to attempt the Atlas Mountain Race again which I spectacularly failed to complete in February.

For me, this is going to be a huge achievement if I can reach the finish in the 8 days 6 hour time limit,….. but, the next ride I am alluding to in this piece, which I will share with you in good time, is much, much bigger and scarier (for me) than anything I’ve every done before.  So even though you don’t know what I’m planning whilst reading this .. … just think BIG.

INTERMITTENT IMPOSTER SYNDROME – ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, NOT IN YOUR LEGS

I seem to have a problem…

Well a few actually. But the big issue is, some of these problems contradict each other which does nothing but increase my fears and anxiety, equally these fears come and go. . And that is the problem.

You see when I’m in, lets call it ZONE P – with P being for POSITIVE, I have this total self belief that nothing is too much, no hill too hard, no distance too far. I believe I can do anything !

This is the P Zone … for Planning too…. This is where my mind simply forgets my age, ability, experience, fitness and medical conditions …. This is where I am P – Peerless

The distance, elevation, terrain, weather and temperature all go out the window, as does the past experiences of cold, exhaustion, heat, loneliness and fear.

I bound headlong on Google Maps, Strava and Komoot joining the dots, clicking in the waypoints on my computer keyboard towards a ridiculous far off end point like some concert pianist on speed, like a composer who knows the notes, but has no consideration for how it can ever be played.

I overestimate my ability and speed, with the same flair that I underestimate distance, difficulty and  elevation.

But I’m P – POSITIVE. PROPITIOUS, PROPELLED …

As I sit in the warmth of my kitchen, concentrating on the line, the little blue line that is so easy to plot, I fear nothing. I’m warm, relaxed, can breath easily, the coffee and fridge are only a few metres away, a comfortable bed, friends, TV , phone, another warm brew……

How can one even consider plotting a route in such comfort, how can you ever foresee in this warmth the difficulties, the dread and suffering (mental and physical) ahead ?

But that is what drives me …. Belief, self belief from a position where I am fearless and able, safe and brave. I can do anything !

As the route progresses, I remain in P – MODE, it’s the desire that drives me and keeps the

F – MODE at bay … in fact In don’t even consider that other mode… WHAT OTHER MODE ?

Where does this determination come from ?  What  drives this ridiculousness ? Why do I constantly go in at the deep end, bite off more than I can chew ? Why do I think I can simply ‘step stone’ to the top level all the time ?

Well the simple answer is, I don’t know….. is it from my Dad ? who could do anything, mend anything, attempt anything  ….. some of his exploits and achievements were outstanding …maybe its from him ?  Maybe its being the youngest in a family of 5 children and wanting to be like, and do what my older brothers and sisters were doing ? Maybe its being bought up in the era before smart phones, before the internet, before social media where your achievements were only seen by your peers, therefore, competitiveness and success would only be achieved by being either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid or mainly just showing off !

Regardless of why, I’ve always acted on a whim, knee jerk decisions that I would never change.  As changing your mind meant failure.

For instance;  I had a Motorbike on the Road for a week, fell off and within two weeks I had bought a Production Race bike, sent off for my licence and started Racing (with some wins).

I fell off so much, I later started racing Cars, but with no experience, I got a huge bank loan and bought a Fiesta XR2 for Ford’s one-make Challenge …. I crashed it within 2 weeks, but still went on to put in some top results.

I entered a Novice Rally Driver Search Competition and Won it. But hardly thought it through as the 1^st Prize was two International Rallies … so I went out and prepared my own Rally Car and got my International Licence and did the Lombard RAC Rally too in my first year, with great success – in fact went on to contest it 5 times.

A great friend of mine, Richard Burns, at the AutoSport F1 Young Driver Awards said to me ‘why doesn’t someone do this for Rallying?’ …. So I did, within a year I had raised almost £70,000 and we gave away the Roger Clark Award and £50K to Niall McShea (only Foot and Mouth stopped that).

I was on a job in Finland and Monte Carlo hosting Rally guests in a Helicopter … I looked at the pilot and just thought ‘I can do that’ … within a year I had 4 1\2 hours flying a Helicopter SOLO ! . (I then ran out of money)

I organised a town centre Cycle Crit Race in my local village – the TICKHILL GRAND PRIX  … £10,000 Prize fund, 8 Races, Big Screens and equal status and Prize Fund for Women with a record Women’s entry….. at my first attempt.

Those achievements are not bragging, its just what I do…. its got to be bigger, better, faster, harder, longer …… but my mind has no thought, no consideration at all if it is either achievable, or if I am up to the job. … I just believe at that point … I can do it.

Hill Climbing is another example …. I ain’t exactly a spring chicken, an athlete or lightweight, (which is generally what you need top contest these incredible hard events)  …. but, I’m there on the line, smashing 1000 watts when I’ve been told time and time again to ‘pace it’ … but I’m there .. I’m giving 100% … and amazingly doing OK.

FEAR

So now lets consider ZONE – F   with F being for FEAR.

For some inexplicable reason, unexpectedly, Fear sets in, I never know when, …an anxiety and foreboding that suddenly tells me – ‘I cannot do this’ … some call it Imposter Syndrome.. but whatever it is, its real.

In me it can manifest itself to a belief that I cant even ride a bike !! .. it affects my training and my motivation, it almost stops me in my tracks.

These are my contradictory problems I was explaining earlier … a true self belief that I can do anything, countered by an oppression that drags me into despair.

I want to be positive and move forward … but I’m F …. FRAUDULENT, FAKE, FRIIGHTENED

As I sit in the same warmth of my kitchen, I am flooded with dread as my adrenal glands go berserk producing what feels like gallons of adrenaline pumping into my blood stream.

I suddenly feel sick, so scared and as my heart rate rises, just sat on the chair, I feel as if I have been transported directly to some future failure, some VO2 Max action, effort or physical place that I am not good enough…….

What on earth am I planning to do? Why am I doing this?, ….I cant, I cant, I’m not good enough, people will laugh and take delight in my failures as I come back to the arena of my peers, embarrassed, tail between my legs and totally beaten.

As long as this adrenaline is allowed to pool itself, and not used to power me, push me, drive me, inspire me… it is just sat there tainting and polluting my blood, I am beaten. Done.

But adrenaline is the hormone used to fight and control stress, it’s our own natural flee or fight drug,. I’ve not fled, so its unused. I’ve not fought as I’m still sat in my kitchen, so the adrenaline manifests itself into Imposter Syndrome. Believe me … I really am struggling at this point.

And suddenly as quick as it comes, its gone. I’m back in the game,…

 like Blockbusters – ‘P please Bob’  #BOOM

Positivity flows through me again.  … P  ZONE

I first really noticed this adrenaline and the fear it can cause when driving Rally Cars at high speeds through the gravel forestry roads in Wales and the North, on the RAC Rally, relying purely on the perfectly timed words of my co-driver reading the pace notes. One bad call, one mis-hearing of a number used to describe the severity of the corner, often blind or even in the dark at night, and a potential, possibly fatal disaster for both of us could occur.

We would drive towards the Start Line of every stage, helmets on, intercoms working, one last final pull of the belts that grip you ‘as one’ with the car that you are going to steer at incredible speeds using not just your hands, feet, ears, eyes and even smell, but also your inner gyroscope and your balance as your total focus. That with the poetry of the Co-Drivers’ pace notes being the melody and rhythm of your pace, propels and transports you in a trance like state, fast, but safely (generally) to the finish, it was no wonder I felt ill.

I noticed that I countered this with yawning, sat on the line. I was totally focused but this was my way (don’t ask me why) of retaining and maintaining that adrenalin, but keeping it in-check, until the light went green, GO ……. BOOM.

This is when the adrenalin now flows, positively, raising your heart rate and the oxygen fuelled blood feeding the instant actions of your brain, the reactions of your muscles, the tiny micro adjustments, that you do as a natural reflex – no thought, but Flat Out ….just react.

So what has this to do with the gruelling, energy sapping, long, brutal days of planning and preparing for an event such an event such as the Atlas Mountain Race, or my nearly 2000 mile solo Stalag IVB ride?  How can there be any such comparison between flying through the air at over 100 mph and grinding out a 5 mph 6 hour climb pushing 25kg plus of bike and equipment with my tired old legs, or even worse … my NEXT planned adventure

PUSH TO THE LIMIT

Well I’ve thought and thought and the only thing I can put this down to is; PUSHING YOURSELF TO THE LIMIT ….. knowing, regardless of the sport, the activity, the action, be it the first solo Helicopter flight, a 1 min 50 second HillClimb with a PB to beat (Monsal), a Rally Stage, setting off on a bike into the unknown, standing up in front of a thousand people as the host or Auctioneer, knowing your performance is crucial to that Charity and its fundraising, or even stood up for the first time trying Stand Up Comedy – trying to make 50 strangers laugh, believe me is not funny… but all those are taking you to and beyond  your Limit and way out of your comfort zone.

That LIMIT, that place I put myself can hurt, either emotionally, physically or both. It can / could affect your future mental wellbeing, trash your ego and even cause you serious injury … Its just KNOWING that I am going to put myself into some dark place in the future if these plans come to fruition that cooks the Fear.

CONTROLLING THE FEAR

So how do I get over this F FACTOR and replace it with the P FACTOR  ?

Well this is where my Ego comes in.   I use my need for constant reassurance, my need for my peers to support me, cheer me, advise me, help me, back me.

I need and rely on better Cyclists telling me ‘I can do I’t, or ‘It will be Epic’, ‘What an Adventure’, ‘Do It’ …. Or even the reverse psychology of people telling me ‘I’m Mad’, ‘Be Careful’, ‘At Your Age?’ or friends who are simply taking the rip of me.

I rely on ‘likes’ and messages on Instagram or Facebook or Kudos on Strava …. All this is MY way of coping, MY way of pushing myself to do things above and beyond my ability ….. it is a sort of self inspiration that feeds itself with the P guy on one shoulder out shouting the F guy on the other.

My mind is often in complete turmoil and as the adrenalin can surge, it can also flood me with a feeling of depression and self loathing and a paralysis to my training or ability to even get on my bike.

BUT, like any condition, mental, physical, emotional or medical (and I do have a few of those believe me), the way forward is to control it. Step back to reassess, think positive and move forward … Small steps gain momentum …. And sometimes its these tiny steps trying to move out of a dark place, fear, insecurity or depression (Imposter Syndrome) that are often the biggest and most difficult to achieve.

As I said at the start, its Intermittent, or rather waves of Fear vs Positivity, but once an event or activity starts … the gloves are off and then its just a matter of keeping going.

MOVING FORWARD

I look forward to sharing and announcing to you soon my EPIC ADVENTURE that I’m already in too deep to back out, and all I ask is your understanding that I’m putting together the best equipment from my fantastic sponsors especially my Bikepacking Equipment, Tyres and Saddles and Clothing (see recent and future posts), Im leaving no stone unturned in preparation, planning, logistics and bike preparation …. Why ? …. Because if I fail …. then the only person to blame is me … but if I tried, if I gave my all, I can live with that and hold my head up high.

This blog was not intended to give any advice as we are all different and cope with fear, stress and traininmg in different ways, but it was merely a reflection on the issues i have in my head when thinking of my next event and the way that I personally deal with them.

Cheers

Rapid Rich